The Manual

Der folgende Text ist das erste Kapitel des legendären Buches der TIMELORDS (alias u.a. THE KLF) von 1988, in dem Jimmy Cauty and Bill Drummond (die Köpfe hinter den Timelords und KLF) detailliert schildern, wie man ohne jedes musikalische Vorwissen innerhalb von 3 Monaten zu einer Nummer 1 - Single in Grossbritannien kommt. Dieses Kunststück hatten die Beiden mit ihrer Single "Doctorin' the Tardis" ein paar Jahre früher selbst geschafft. Ihr Buch ist in den Details sicherlich veraltet, aber das System, das geschildert (und von ihnen erfolgreich benutzt!) wird, funktioniert dem Prinzip nach noch heute genau so. Ein sehr unterhaltsames und gleichzeitig ziemlich ernüchterndes Buch, das immer noch Pflichtlektüre ist, wenn Du vorhast, in der Musikindustrie Dein Glück zu versuchen...

Den kompletten Text des Buches findet ihr im Netz HIER zum Herunterladen oder in Buchform bei •••ellipsis, kostet dort allerdings £ 10.-, also ca. 16.- €.

Mehr Infos zu KLF gibts HIER (unter anderem auch das komplette Manual zum online lesen!).

The Manual (How to have a Number One the easy way) by The Timelords (Jimmy Cauty and Bill Drummond) First published 1988 by KLF Publications Reprinted 1998 by •••ellipsis

THE BEGINNING

"HOW TO HAVE A NUMBER ONE - THE EASY WAY"

Be ready to ride the big dipper of the mixed metaphor. Be ready to dip your hands in the lucky bag of life, gather the storm clouds of fantasy and anoint your own genius. Because it is only by following the clear and concise instructions contained in this book that you can realise your childish fantasies of having a Number One hit single in the official U.K. Top 40 thus guaranteeing you a place forever in the sacred annals of Pop History.

Other than achieving a Number One hit single we offer you nothing else. There will be no endless wealth. Fame will flicker and fade and sex will still be a problem. What was once yours for a few days will now enter the public domain.

In parts of this manual we will patronise you. In others we will cheat you. We will lie to you but we will lie to ourselves as well. You will, however, see through our lies and grasp the shining truth within. We will trap ourselves in our own pretensions. Our insights will be shot through with distort rays and we will revel in our own inconsistencies. If parts get too boring just fast forward - all the way to the end if need be.

Now, we all know that pop music is not going to save the world but it does, undeniably, create a filing system for the memory banks. In years to come people will stagger home down lonely streets singing your song to the strains of regurgitated vindaloo, all memory of who was behind the song lost. It is you, though, who will be responsible for bringing back those lost tastes, smells, tears, pangs, forgotten years and missed chances. So enjoy what you can while at Number One.

People equate a Number One with fame, endless wealth and easy sex - a myth that they want to believe and one that the popular press want to see continued. Along with the soap stars, sporting heroes and selected (however distant) members of the Royal Family, pop stars belong to a glittering world of showbiz parties, at one end of the scale, to illicit liaisons, at the other, where their lives are dragged up, dressed up, made up and ultimately destroyed. The celebrated, of course, are apt to fall into a world of drugs, drink, broken marriages and bankruptcy but even this is given the glamour treatment instead of the squalid misery that it is in reality.

Basically, a Number One is seen as the ultimate accolade in pop music. Winning the Gold Medal. The crowning glory.

The majority of Number One's are achieved early on in the artist's public career and before they have been able to establish reputations and build a solid fan base. Most artists are never able to recover from having one and it becomes the millstone around their necks to which all subsequent releases are compared. The fact that a record is Number One automatically means the track is in a very short period of time going to become over exposed and as worthless as last month's catchphrase.

Once or twice a decade an act will burst through with a Number One that hits a national nerve and the public's appetite for the sound and packaging will not be satisfied with the one record. The formula will be untampered with and the success will be repeated a second, a third and sometimes even a fourth time. The prison is then complete; either the artist will be destroyed in their attempt to prove to the world that there are other facets to their creativity or they succumb willingly and spend the rest of their lives as a travelling freak show, peddling a nostalgia for those now far off, carefree days. These are the lucky few. Most never have the chance of a repeat performance and slide ungracefully into years of unpaid tax, desperately delaying all attempts to come to terms with the only rational thing to do - get a nine to five job.

Even if the unsuspecting artiste doesn't know the above, rest assured most of the record business does but for some lemming-like reason refuses to acknowledge it. They continue to view the act's cheaply recorded, debut blockbuster as striking gold and will spend the next few years pumping fortunes into studio time, video budgets and tour support whilst praying for a repeat of the miracle and the volume album sales that bring in the real money.

Of course there are those artists that have worked long and hard building personal artistic confidence, critical acclaim, a loyal following (all strong foundations) and then have a Number One, that is that crowning glory. But even then the disgruntled purists amongst the loyal following desert in disgust at having to share their private club with the unwashed masses.

So what's left? What's the point? What can be achieved when no great financial rewards or long term career prospects allowing for creative freedom can be hoped for, let alone guaranteed? We don't know.

If this book succeeds in becoming Bert Weedon's "Play In A Day" for some lost month in the late eighties we will be happy. If anybody actually gets a Number One by following our instructions we promise them a night out with The JAMS in Madagascar. We will arrange everything. For those that might be offended please read all "he's", "hims" and "his"' as "she's", "hers" and "hers"'. Being blokes it was easier writing it the way we did.

So how do you go about achieving a U.K. Number One? Follow this simple step by step guide:

Firstly, you must be skint and on the dole. Anybody with a proper job or tied up with full time education will not have the time to devote to see it through. Also, being on the dole gives you a clearer perspective on how much of society is run. If you are already a musician stop playing your instrument. Even better, sell the junk. It will become clearer later on but just take our word for it for the time being. Sitting around tinkering with the Portastudio or musical gear (either ancient or modern) just complicates and distracts you from the main objective. Even worse than being a musician is being a musician in a band. Real bands never get to Number One - unless they are puppets.

If you are in a band you will undoubtedly be aware of the petty squabbles and bitching that develops within them. This only festers and grows proportionately as the band gets bigger and no band ever grows out of it. All bands end in tantrums, tears and bitter acrimony. The myth of a band being gang of lads out "against" the world (read as "to change", "to shag" or "to save the world") is pure wishful thinking to keep us all buying the records and reading the journals. Mind you, it's a myth that many band members want to believe themselves.

So if in a band, quit. Get out. Now.

That said, it can be very helpful to have a partner, someone who you can bounce ideas off and vice versa. Any more than two of you and factions develop and you may as well be in politics. There is no place for the nostalgia of the four lads who shook the world or the last gang in town.

Watch Top of the Pops religiously every week and learn from it. When the time comes it is through T.O.T.P. that you will convince the largest cross section of the British public to go out and buy your record. Remember, Top of the Pops is all powerful and has outlasted all the greats (Cliff being the exception to the rule). Taking the angst-ridden, "I'm above all this!" outsider stance only gets you so far and even then takes sodden years and ends up with you alienating vast chunks of the Great British public who don't want to be confronted with Jim Reid's skin problem on a Thursday evening. I repeat, take Top of the Pops to your bosom and learn to love the platform that matters the most.